This morning was the monthly task of looking at the bills that have come through the door and my bank account to see if it can cope with what is going to come out of it. Every month I steel myself and add up the list. This morning I was cursing the fact that we decided to get television in our house. I had been without one for four years and was totally fine with it. My laptop gave me any entertainment that I could possibly need and dreaded adverts were virtually gone from my life. When I go shopping I buy stuff that I need and only rarely stuff that I have no purpose for and is total frivolity.
Then disaster of disasters, my laptop died. I tried to give it technological mouth to mouth, I reset to factory, but my feeble attempts at computer health care failed, I called in my youngest brother, the I.T guy, he tutted and sighed, tried a load of other things that looked scary and beyond my comprehension. To no avail, poor laptop was in a coma and there were no signs that it was coming out of it at any time soon. So then I called my other brother, the renegade who makes things work by bodging it massively usually with electrical tape and a hammer. He couldn’t help either. As a new, breastfeeding mum I found myself staring at the wallpaper, A LOT. I can’t read and feed, I am worried about dropping the huge tomes that I enjoy on his lovely face and getting in trouble with lovely boyfriend for having a bruised baby. So I called my internet provider and they came round two days later and fitted a basic tv box. They told me it would cost fifty pounds to install and that they would take the money in the new year. Which was ages away and I was bored to tears so it was a mega bargain.
It is the new year now. Not ages away. And tv SUCKS, it sucks massive, homeless, cheesy balls. Adverts are worse than ever, I don’t remember them being this preachy, PUT DOWN THAT SQUASH!!!! IT’S JUST SUGAR!!!! Yes I know tv, I am using sugar and caffeine to live at the moment, I don’t think I can walk without them! Nobody has murdered Jeremy Kyle yet, that program makes me shudder. I watched an episode of Eastenders, after four years it was a smooth transition back into the square, good to know it doesn’t matter if you miss a few…….. The only thing that I like is come dine with me, and I could watch it all day. maybe if channel four did a come dine with me channel I would feel like it was worth the money.
Lovely boyfriend watched all of this quietly and for Christmas bought me a new laptop, and six days later for my birthday, a tablet. He was making sure that I would not be withheld from the internet EVER again. I might have mentioned it once or twice in the month running up to the festive period that I missed my laptop, maybe……
So this brings me back to the bills, my bill for February is £102.28. It is not worth it at all. This is because they decided to skip January and make me a month destroying dickhead of a bill, that I knew in the back of my head was coming, but when it arrived, hot tears of frustration formed in my eyes because this is all my own fault. My idiotic need for constant visual stimulation has meant that I have twenty five pounds left for my food budget next month. Thank goodness for the chest freezer that I stock up each month and never eat everything in it. It is your time to shine chilli and bolognaise that I froze a few months back! I will make the fish pie that I bought the frozen bits of fish for and never get round to defrosting. We will not starve, I will just have to be more organised. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Don’t make me!
I am going to have to plan a whole months worth of food at the beginning, what if I don’t feel like a pasta bake on the 26th of February?! I know that I could just have the planned 27th meal and put it back a day in my sensible brain, but my petulant, stroppy, more vocal brain that hates being sensible and planning has always stood in the way of me doing weekly plans like this. And it never mattered because I had a full time job and could go to tesco on my way home to get the bits to make the recipe that I saw online that day on a regular basis. My income has halved since having a baby. And babies cost money, all the time. ( most babies don’t need a new changing mat every week because its older fluffy brothers eat it, I throw caution to the wind regularly now and just change him on the sofa,it has a washable throw and so far, so good no poo fountain has drenched it yet. I do still however need to buy new ones as this is a dangerous game that will not end well for me, I can just feel it.)
So I need to be more organised or get more money. How do I get more money without having to go to dreaded JOB. I am not ready yet and only halfway through my maternity leave, I don’t have to go back until August. You are more likely to see a fleet of pigs winging their way past your window than me going back there in a hurry. I don’t really fancy prostitution, I mentioned it in passing to lovely boyfriend, he was extremely firm on that not being ok. God damn it. I will make a chart, stick it to the wall and suck up knowing what I am going to eat for twenty eight days in a row.