I find myself once again, staring, open mouthed and incredulous at the TV. Today my irritation comes from the vagacial or vagina facial. There are so many things wrong with this I am not even sure where to start. But I shall go for it. Has your vagina got a face? Mine hasn’t.
I really despise the modern attitude that none of us are good enough as we are. The mounting pressure to constantly preen ourselves so that another human might not be too repulsed to touch us for a little while.
We are all far too fat. What are you doing with that biscuit? Put it down and give me twenty sit ups! STAT! Spend all of your spare time running until your trousers won’t stay up any more and you are half way to the media depiction of what we should all be aiming to achieve. Can’t see your hip bones? Can you sit comfortably on a wooden chair? Fatty, fatty boom boom. You have to stop it now! Start a really bad for you, not nutritionally balanced diet as quickly as your lardy legs will get you to the shops. Buy hundreds of things that you never knew you needed to make a drink that looks like pond water, which is the only thing that you can ingest for at least three weeks.
Now that you are looking like a lolly pop, with your head dwarfing the rest of your body, you can start by blitzing that cellulite. They only acceptable location on your body for dimples is your face. All others must be abolished. Rush out to spend the rest of your money (although you won’t have any left after buying the stuff for your diet and then a whole new wardrobe, and then thermals, as you will be FREEZING all of the time) and buy lotions and potions that don’t actually do anything. Get up half an hour earlier than you were already to rub them in.
Now your body is starting to look somewhere near to the right shape lets address the covering. The hair. Removing all of the hair on our bodies from the eyebrows down, which if you want to is fine, but that if you chose not to and leave yourself natural, you are in for questions and ridicule. I hate that. Why are we expected to conform to the standard set to us by the poor, dead eyed, cocaine riddled porn stars that get paid a pittance for a multitude of people to brutally hammer away at them with their mammoth man meat or scary acrylic talons? Should we really be promoting this way of thinking to our young women? You have arm pit hair? Well get used to being single sweetheart, go off and start your cat collection so you and your furry pussy will have some company on those cold winter nights.
When was the last time that you checked on the colour of your bum hole? Is it pink enough? Well then lets bleach that little sphincter within an inch of it’s life, so that when you get rear ended they have a more appetising orifice to do with as they see fit. Why are we trying to disassociate that area from what it’s primary purpose is? It’s poo by the way. POO. Which is brown, surely if you bleach your bum hole then you are going to be even more paranoid about how clean it is, the tiniest speck is going to stand out even more. But never mind, lets carry on with sorting out everything else that is wrong with you.
What colour are you? I am welsh, I am lucky to not be a shade of light blue most of the time. Not good enough!! I must dye myself a strange shade of orange as quickly as possible, to look sun kissed and healthy. NOBODY is naturally that colour, it does not look at all healthy to me. But never mind, there is still so much to sort out.
Now there is an area of hair on you that must be thick, glossy and luxurious. Regardless of what nature saw fit to give you. Never fear though, there are lots of people in the world that are so poor they will grow it for you and sell it to eat. There are also some other guys that go to Indian cinemas and cut off unsuspecting women’s hair in the dark so that we can tie it onto our hair to have the expected volume to not be shunned. Now you have the right amount of hair you must pre condition, wash, condition again, apply serum. Blow dry, straighten, put other stuff on afterwards to cover up they fact that the heat treatment has sapped any of the previous conditioning treatments work away. Style.
Do you use your face for speaking? Making expressions? Well then I expect you look like a ball bag. Covered in wrinkles. Do you want to be a pariah? Honestly, thank goodness for those cats. If youwant people to look directly at you, you must sort that out. So there is some botox, just disable those stupid muscles and they wont be able to ruin your gorgeous skin anymore. You wont be able to let anyone know how you feel about anything with your face anymore though, so get articulate, and fast. Now cleanse, tone, moisturise, not the same moisturiser for day and night though, that’s ridiculous. Eye cream. Go for a chemical peel just in case, start again, just burn off that old crappy face. Now that your skin is perfect you can cover it up with layer upon layer of make up. You can change the shape of your entire face with enough blending and shadowing. And good job too! You need some way of being able to leave the house whilst you save for your face lift, nose job, eye bag-extomy, chin implant and ear reassignment.
Thought you were done? NO WAY SUCKER! You forgot your vagacial! Whoever is unlucky enough to take you to bed is going to be throwing up into their shoes after being assaulted with and unmoisturised vagina!
Are you being serious???
This has pushed me over the edge. Please don’t waste your time, money or brain space on musing as to whether you need this done. If its been a while and you just want someone to touch it a bit, fair enough, that’s the only reason that I could be supportive of. Ladies self lubricate anyway, it’s a built in feature.
Do with your bodies as you please, whatever makes you feel good, go for it. But just know that we don’t need to. I asked lovely boyfriend if he would like me to get a vagina facial. He looked very pleased and said that he would be more than happy to oblige. Although he didn’t think it was called that, and should we wait for the baby to go to sleep?