Not enough words in the world.

I am a fixer.  I hate to see people struggle and I like to make things better for people when I can.  However I find myself in situations sometimes, where there are just not enough words or actions that can help.

As much as I wish that I could bring people back to life or make someone not tell that lie, I can’t.  And it sucks.

I found myself stood in a shop before I went to see a friend who’s heart has just been beaten up in a horrific manner.  I wanted to take something with me that would cheer her up.  I opted for chocolates.  When she opened the front door and I had chocolates in my hand I felt like such an idiot.

How was chocolate going to fix anything?  I think then it dawned on me that I couldn’t make this better.  As much as I wanted to.  It is out of my control.

We drank lots of cups of tea, smoked far too many fags and talked.  It was so sad.  I was so sad.  I know that people say to you that “being there” is enough.  But it doesn’t feel enough when you are in that sort of situation.

I think it is because nothing can make it better.  You cannot reboot trust.  You can’t turn the system off and on again.  You can’t erase the history on a relationship.

We live in a society where people have constant contact with each other.  It is easy to have an intimate relationship with someone other than your partner, whilst sat next to them on the sofa.  Sadly it happens far too often.

It has happened to me in the past and it has happened to too many of my friends.  Did people betray each other as much before mobile phones and the internet I wonder? Maybe they did, but it was harder to catch them out because there wasn’t a trail of activity to follow.

Maybe it just took longer to happen as it was harder to be in contact.  Maybe with waiting for letters or phone calls that could be taken in privacy, it gave people more time to consider their behaviour, before they leapt into a course of action that would leave their current lives in tatters.

I don’t like to be reminded of how selfish humanity can be.  I like to imagine the best in people whenever possible.  I hope that people will treasure and respect each other.  Every day.  Unfailingly.  I drift along in my bubble picturing all of my loved ones experiencing this in their day to day lives.

Every time something pops my bubble I fall to earth with a mighty thud.   I still get back into my bubble and don’t stay any closer to the ground, I seem to have just as far to fall each time it happens.

I am a romantic who hopes that everyone has a someone out there who will be “the one”.  Even though most of us have something a bit closer to “the five” instead.  I know that I have.  And I hope that lovely boyfriend is “the one”.  I hope that I don’t find myself sat up until three in the morning staring at a computer screen wondering what to do because I have stumbled across something heartbreaking.

But most of all I wish that there were magic words that I could say to fix the people I care about when everything has gone wrong.  And not just “I have the money for a hit man, let’s seek our revenge”  which can be a comforting thought in the short term, but has all sorts of long term complications.

Something concrete and real that would let the person that I care about know that they are awesome.  Something that will let them know that they will be fine, better than fine.  They will be happy and successful, they will love and be loved again.  They can trust again and hopefully when they do, this time, the trust will be preserved and cherished.

I will keep on trying to find the perfect words.  In the meantime however, I may have to invest in shares of chocolate and wine.


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