It is your fault.

Sometimes, even I, am wrong.  If you have known me for a long time, or someone that I dated in my twenties then you will know that this has taken me a very long time to be comfortable with.

The older I get, the more infuriated I become with people who seem to think that nothing is ever their fault.  There is always an excuse.  It was my childhood.  It was that last partner messing me about.  They came onto me!

Why are so many of us unable to admit that we made our choices and now they might not have turned out the way that we wanted them to?

There are several people that I have in my life that I would love to take to one side and scream at for a bit.  Why don’t I?  Because it wouldn’t make any difference, it’s not their fault you see.

They are victims of life.  Even though they set all of the balls in motions for the things that happened, it is not their fault.  They are perfect innocents.  This nonsense must stop.

If you have had your heart broken in the past and have massive commitment issues, stop asking other girls out.  Stop pretending to yourself that you are fine.  Stop blaming the person that broke your heart.  It was half a decade ago.  Either accept that you are not ready and stop perpetuating the heart break in others, or go and get some therapy. Yes, someone else caused your behaviour to take on this jaded form, but at some point you have to stop holding onto to this baton of pain and move on.  Turning yourself into superking the douchebag is hurting anyone who crosses your path, but most of all you.  And now, it is your fault.

You got caught playing away from home.  But it is not your fault.  You had bad relationship role models.  Your partner had a baby and you felt like you were no longer the most important person in their head (this excuse makes me the most mad, you try having a furious infant hanging from your chest for twenty three hours a day and see how sexy you feel). You didn’t initiate it.  You couldn’t help yourself.  If you are a cheater, whether it be physical or emotional, it is your fault.  You knew that you had a partner, if you wanted someone else you should have informed the person that you were with before hand.  Yes it is messy, yes it is painful, but it is the right thing and the only way that you can not be part of the super dick movement.  Well all that hurt, the fact that your partner has told everyone with ears what you did and half of your friends think you are awful, that is your fault.

You lost your job.  Dude, you must have done something wrong.  There are laws in place to prevent people from just sacking you.  It is your fault.  You did turn up late all of those times.  You did take that pair of tights home without paying for them (actual reason that I have lost one of my jobs).  You are not able to do what they want you to do.  You lied on your C.V.  You did it.  It is your fault.

But it isn’t just the big stuff, it’s the small things too, it’s not my fault that I missed the bus, the timetable changed.  Then it is your fault for not being up to date with the timetable.  Why is it so hard for us to admit responsibility?

Why is it so hard for us to admit that we are wrong?

I have a string of failed relationships behind me.  Some of them just didn’t work, we ended things amicably and remained friends.  Others were not so pretty, lies, affairs, stealing (I am still paying off debts from the last liar, cheater.  But it is my fault, I let him use my credit card.  I chose to buy the furniture, which I left without.  I took out the loan for that motorbike.  I am a trusting fool.  I trusted the wrong person. It is my fault).  However I have chosen to learn lessons, grow as a person and not put the baggage onto the next person that I fall in love with.  After all, it is not their fault that I dated a sociopath, it is mine.

And I am not ashamed to say that I have made mistakes.  I probably shouldn’t have gotten married after dating my husband for only eight months.  We didn’t know each other properly.  Our entire relationship lasted less than two years.  We both tried to keep our relationship together, but we weren’t the right people for each other.  I need to be with someone who communicates a lot.  He finds that almost impossible.  He needed to be with someone who wanted to be a mother figure to him.  I didn’t want to mother my partner.  I wanted us to have counselling, he didn’t.  I fell in love with the idea of us, and the business that we would run together.  The reality was never going to be the same as the fantasy that I had drawn up in my head.  Yet again I got carried away into the clouds and I needed someone to grab me on the way up and keep me tethered to the ground, he didn’t know that he was supposed to do that and let me float off.  Not his fault, he had floated off into his own daydream.  We were both too busy living a dream that we forgot to make sure that one of us was firmly planted in reality.  Reality catches up with you though.  And like waking from a great dream to realise that it is Monday and you have to go to your soul sucking job, was a bit like waking up in the reality of our marriage.

I have learned an awful lot about myself from my mistakes.  I think that I am a good person.  I am honest and trustworthy.  I am not afraid to say that I have been wrong, and that I will probably be wrong again in the future.  Loads.

The next time that you make a mistake, just try admitting that it is your fault.  It is cathartic.  It is honest.  It is freeing.  The only people that claim to never be wrong are usually pretty annoying to be around.  They have frustrating arguments to justify stupid behaviour (and they will happily stand all over you for their own gain, hide your credit card).

Defuse these situations.  And if you find someone that won’t admit that they have made a mistake, I would question how honest your relationship with them can ever be.

If we all decided to lie in the beds that we made for ourselves then I think society would be a nicer place, because we would have to think of the consequences of our actions before we did them.

Then, when something really isn’t your fault, everyone will believe you.  Because you are not a victim.  Your life doesn’t just happen to you.  You make your choices, and stand by them, even if they were the wrong ones.  You can say that you made a mistake and pay back the money, or move house, or find a new more trustworthy person to share your life with.  People respect honesty.

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