I’m so vain, I bet I think this song is about me

Since the age of six I have been struggling with glasses wars.  This fact may come of a bit of a shock to people that have known me for most of my life, as you may have never seen me with a pair on.   I remember very clearly my first pair of glasses.  They were a pink, plastic pair of NHS beauties.

Obviously children are always super nice to each other and at no point was I made fun of (insert huge sarcastic snort here).  I attended opticians appointments with my mum for my entire childhood.  I always promised that I would wear my glasses.  For ninety eight percent of the time I had no idea where they were, and they most definitely did not touch any part if my face.

I like glasses on other people.  Last year I had to force lovely boyfriend to go and get some when he was complaining that our 38″ TV was too small and he was balancing on the very edge of the sofa trying to play games.  He got glasses, he looks very gorgeous in them, he can see everything, he is not a stupid vain idiot about the whole situation.

Aged nineteen, living independently, I went to see the optician.  This was still the same guy that had furnished my face with my very first pair of goggles.  At this appointment he mentioned what a shame it was that the patch I had as a child hadn’t worked.  What patch?  I asked.  Apparently I have a lazy eye, if they had patched my “good eye” when I was little then I would have had no need for glasses as an adult.  He looked a bit embarrassed at his slip.   I must have looked mightily pissed off.

This dented my faith in his ocular prowess.  I was working in a call centre on computers so I knew that I needed help in seeing the little letters (I am long sighted).  I tried to wear my glasses and be a good girl, until the day that I went to the toilets with them still on.

I had ONE GIANT EYE.  Useless lazy eye was magnified to twice the size of “good eye”.  I looked like such a tool.   So once more, screw you glasses, back in their box they went and never left my house again.

Not looking like an idiot was much more important to me than seeing everything in crisp focus.

I kept up my preference for not looking stupid over seeing until my thirties.  It was a computer program called quick books that made me realise that I had to go back to the optician.  I was getting headaches and I just couldn’t see the numbers.  If I did the books for the pub wrong we would be in trouble (as soon as possible I employed a lovely book keeper, who had to fix tonnes of mistakes that I made).

Off I went (not to the rubbish guy of my childhood though) to get new glasses.  This time I chose myself some designer frames (they had fcuk on the side which made me chuckle as it was a close to a swear word that I could get away with)  and I made sure that they would adjust the lens so that I didn’t have one giant eye again.

I was assured that I only needed to wear them for reading and computer work.  Things were going fine until the youngest member of the fluffy family discovered them.  Apparently they are made of the most delicious and chewable (metal) stuff.  I managed to save them once, but the second time he had mangled them past the point that the optician could rescue them.

So to the back up glasses, they are purple and I have grown to like them.  A few weeks ago I absent mindedly forgot to put them in their case while I went to make a cup of tea.  When I returned they were on the floor, lens side up with a big scratch and a chip in them.

So back to glasses land I went.  This visit showed me that “good eye” is turning into a useless bag of crap too.  This is scary as lazy eye is virtually blind.  I now need to start wearing glasses for driving too and she said that if I wanted to wear them all the time that it wouldn’t do me any harm.  And I have to go back in a year, not two years.

Now that I have a tiny person I can’t afford to buy expensive glasses either.  No more fancy frames that make me feel a bit more confident about wearing them.  I have had to go back to the experiences of my six year old self and found myself standing in front of the budget frames feeling forlorn.

Even if I did have lots of money, what is the point in spending it to find that my rascal of a giant puppy has found them and chewed them again.

So I have a very boring pair of glasses coming, that I have to wear most of the time.  that make me feel not attractive, but without I will be a danger to myself and others.

I am disappointed in myself that I would rather look nice than see, I am hoping that with time I can get past it (I am also looking on ebay for some bargain awesome frames).

5 comments

  1. It’s ok my eyes are deteriorating too. I have to wear them everyday for work and now at home watching TV/on the computer. It’s shocking how quickly they’ve gone downhill. You will look beautiful in whatever you place on your beautiful face though. And we can be hot spectacled geeks together xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I get my glasses from a website called selectspecs.com. You just need your prescription and to measure your head. So I get a free eye test at Tesco and then order my glasses from there as I have to pay for special lenses for my boss eyes (you are not the only one with secretly rubbish vision) and I am not paying even more money for something that is made of plastic that I will definitely tread on and break at some point. I think last time I got some they were £25 a pair, even with my special lenses. Might be worth a look in case of doggy-munching future emergencies 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m short sighted Aimee and I’ve been wearing glasses since I was 14. Funnily enough I just needed to wear them to see the blackboard in school and for watching tv and I did as I was told but I actually found that the more I wore them the worse my eye-sight got and now I need to wear them all the time. I hope you find a snazzy pair of frames online 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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