Put yourself out there.

Earlier this year I started blogging in earnest.  I have always had a desire to be a writer but one huge thing stands in my way.  I really hate not being good at things.  That is ANYTHING.  If I think there is a chance that I might not be great, I just don’t do it.  If I make a cup of tea for someone when they come to visit and they don’t finish it, I am slow to offer another on a return visit.

For my entire life I have been a gold star, merit badge, first place seeking whore.

A friend ran a challenge called come blog with me, where we would publish a blog every day for twenty eight days.  She said that she would make a star chart and give us a star for every day completed.  My twenty eight stars are sat looking proudly at me from my bookshelf.

At the beginning I was cowardly with my blogs, I published and shared on twitter to people that I don’t really know. (Look at me!  Don’t look at me!)  I got braver and started sharing on facebook (the social media place that I actually spend time).  I started noticing that people that I actually knew were reading what I had to write, and my blog posts started to dwindle in numbers.  The more that I got to know the people in the come blog with me group, the less I wrote.  What if I am not good enough?  Did I really want a trail of nonsense with my name on it out there for the whole internet to see?

I had a blog published on the Huffington post!  Surely this must mean that I am not just a raving idiot, bashing randomly at the keyboard, but as time went on and I continued to write I couldn’t see that what I was writing would even be worthy of trying to submit again.  I had nothing of worth to say.  Why would anyone want to the read this?  Quit while you are ahead etc…

success

I find failure a tough pill to swallow.  A few weeks ago my ex husband came to drink at the pub I work in.  Seeing him made me feel angry and sad.  There he was, loud, a bit drunk, at the bar, the physical embodiment of my failure at being married.  Regardless of the fact that logically I know that our marriage was failed by both of us, I don’t like to have it in my face, or at my place of work for all to see.

I recently booked a holiday for my little family, our first holiday abroad together.  I spent the whole night before we went awake, worrying.  What if I hadn’t been the winner at booking holidays?   Why was I putting us forward for a potential nightmare of a week?

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Holiday was a huge success.  We all loved it.  One night as lovely boyfriend and I lay snuggled up in the most comfortable bed in the world, in our wonderful holiday house, in the Belgian countryside,  the person that I seek most approval from turned to me and said that I was an amazing mum.

My heart swelled to almost bursting.  He hadn’t said anything like that to me since our son was born ten months ago.  I hadn’t realised that I wanted or needed him to say that either.   After stopping working full time to have our son I had suffered a crisis of confidence in everything about myself that I wasn’t really prepared to admit was there.

I treated my professional career with as much of a competitive spirit as the rest of my life.  I would go in early, leave late, I took enormous pride in being good at what I did.  I defined myself through being good at my job, it gave me a sense of purpose and worth.  I am a really bad loser.  At corporate events, if I was in the running to win a prize and didn’t, I would sulkily clap for the winner, wholly unconvincing to anyone near me who could feel the disappointment dripping from every pore on my body.

I wanted my baby more than I can describe in words, when I found out that I was going to have him, although it was scary, I couldn’t have been more excited or happy at the prospect of having my own child, my own family to belong to, that I had created.  The fear starts to creep in as your tummy gets bigger, your confidence gets smaller.  What if I am not a good parent?  What if I am terrible at it?  What if they inherit all of my failings?  What if being a parent became the only thing that defined me, would that be enough for me?  What if I don’t like my baby? What if other people don’t like my baby (must make death ray to obliterate them from earth if so).

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As I write this my lovely baby boy is charging around the house in his walker, chasing the fluffy faces and shrieking with delight as they jump around with him, giving his face an occasional cheeky lick.  His little mantra of raspberry blowing and dadadada bleeerppp!  loudly echoing around me.  It is the best sound in the world (maybe not the ear drum destroying screams that he scares me to death with occasionally) He makes me happy every time I see his squashy little face.  I feel sad to leave him every time I go to work.

I never want him to be as hung up on being the winner as I have wasted my life being.  To be a good mum I need to show him that he is enough.  Just being whoever he turns out to be is already being the winner.  To do this effectively I need to behave like it.  Losing at monopoly is fine, it is the having fun playing that counts (never again will I angrily flip the board and accuse the winner of stealing from the bank).

I am going to actively pursue my dreams and if I don’t achieve them then at least I will have tried.  I don’t want my fear of not being the best to cloud the experiences of the little life that I have created.

I am going to be brave and hopefully raise a well balanced child who is happy to be in the world, doing his best to be whatever he feels like being.

So I am going to write.  I am going to do the next come blog with me challenge.  If you enjoy writing I would recommend that you join in to.  It makes you look inside yourself as you wonder which parts of you are going to be shared with the world.  It gives you a platform to put some of your inner voice on.  There is a great group of people in the same boat as you to share ideas with.

I am going to be good enough just as I am.

3 comments

  1. Aimee – I have adored reading your posts, we don’t get together nearly enough! (Once in the last ???? Years?!!) but it makes me so pleased to see your world from a far. I am queen procrastination, I don’t care if I fail, but I just don’t bother to start. You have done amazingly. Xxxxxxxxxx

    Like

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