The parent games

The older my son gets the more I worry about how I am supposed to get him to stay in one piece and alive.  I feel like there should be a point system and prizes for each day he survives unscathed.

I am amazed at how being a parent is constantly changing in ways that I wasn’t expecting and not changing in ways that I had hoped.  For example, my mini man is nearly fourteen months old yet I am still a walking milk machine. (+4000 points)  Even when he has a cold (+6953247 points).

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I have reached a point where I really feel like I have done my part on the boob front, I have had a few chesty stand offs with the tiny one.  They usually involve a stroppy tantrum (sometimes me)  accompanied by top pulling, boob slapping and screaming.  I give in every time, because breast milk is magic sleep juice and it makes life easy. (-6000 points)  I keep on hoping that he will go off breastfeeding, he drinks bottles of cows milk greedily and happily, but still wants to be attached to my chest a few times a day.

When he was little it was a lovely cuddle with gentle latching and happy, slurpy, burpy faces.  Now he will try and do a three hundred and sixty degree turn, all the while attached me me.  There can be a foot in my ear, a finger in my nostril and a bottom in my face.  He has teeth now.  TEETH.  I am also worried that he may be evil.  He sometimes looks up at me and smiles, then bites me. (-9000 points)

I am not proud of this, but the first time it happened I did throw him off me. (-800000 points)  It was on the sofa so he landed softly.  I had no idea that this would be my knee jerk reaction to that happening, neither did he. I don’t know if any of you have ever seen your baby flying through the air away from you, it is horrifying, knowing that the reason for this is that you threw him is not the most awesome feeling in the world.  He cried lots and lots and I felt like a terrible mum.  It didn’t put him off though.

He is fully mobile now, wandering around our house like a drunk old man.  He can run, arms waving excitedly in the air and screaming with joy, which is lucky because it alerts me to him doing something life threatening.  This can happen ten times an hour.  He has learned to climb everything.  I hope to reach him just as a little knee is up in the air trying to get purchase (+600 points) , I very often am too slow and have to grab him before he crashes off things(-600 points).

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I have to leave a cup of tea or coffee behind a baby gate in a different room until it is a temperature that it can be drunk in three, hasty gulps (+300 points).  It is the only way to not worry about scalding my child and to not have a little fist coated in dog hair dunked in anything that I was hoping to drink.  He becomes outraged if he notices me drinking something that I am not sharing with him.  He is happiest if he is slurping from my cup, washing snot and spit back into my drink and sploshing half of it down his front, he will usually bring all of his drinks with him and scatter them around us in a sea of sippy cups and bottles just to emphasise how superior my drink is.

I remember how terrified I was bringing my tiny baby home from hospital.  I was frightened that I would somehow break him.  I quickly realised that they mainly just sleep in a basket most of the time, and if you keep the basket in a place that your fluffy family can’t knock over then it is really easy to keep them safe (+7500 points).

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Nobody warns you that as time marches on your child will throw themselves head first into anything and everything.  Apart from the hoover or hairdryer, which like the dogs, he is scared of.

Sleeping.  Sleep has become much better.  I have achieved this by breaking all of the recommended sleep rules.  I do let my baby feed to sleep (-7426315 points).  I then put him in his own bed (+53478 points).  If he wakes before I am in my own bed then I will soothe him and put him back in is own bed (+648931 points).  If I am asleep in my bed and he wakes up then I sleep stagger into his room, attach him to a boob and get back into my own bed, with him and we all go to sleep (-97842365897 points). Sometimes this doesn’t happen until half five in the morning and I am just not prepared to be awake that soon.  Sometimes it happens at half past eleven at night and I am just not prepared to be awake to soothe him in his own room (-9000 points).

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I have had to write this blog twice because the first time I went to let a fluffy one outside for a wee and he pressed lots of buttons on my laptop and I had to restart it because nothing was doing what it should be and my blog had vanished.   He is having a nap now so I am actually allowed to do something other than keep a constant eye on him.

I am more fiercely protective of him than anything else in my life though.  I am a peace loving person, but as each day goes past and I manage to not accidentally kill him, the prospect that anyone else may try and harm him fills me with dread.  I know that I could happily maim/torture/kill anyone that threatened his happy little life.  He makes me want to live a healthier lifestyle, just in case he needs an organ, he can have all or any of mine that he may need (+64532 points).

He is still totally refusing to learn how to talk and communicate with me properly, favouring wild hand/arm gestures and shouting/screaming or throwing things around.  We have set up a bribery system (-4466213 points) involving baby biscotti, whoever decided to put them on the shelves is my best friend.2C2183C100000578-3228629-image-a-13_1441846377739

I am sure if I went to add up my points I would probably not be winning the game officially.  But even though I may not be doing text book mummying, I think in my own way I must be doing a pretty good job….right?

 

2 comments

  1. Right!
    You’re amazing. And you made me proper laugh during a hideously disappointing naptime (baby asleep on me, wakes every time I try and move or put him down (-10000 points); toddler singing to herself in bed for AN HOUR AND A HALF despite my fervent insistance that she MUST SLEEP (-6500 points); was hoping to clear up and set out enriching activities while they slept – now I’m OVER playing mum and they’re blates watching tv all afternoon (-86756 points)).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sometimes I wonder if parent books and websites are just made of lies to make us feel like rubbish parents! Glad that I am not the only one in negative parent points! 🙂 xxx

      Like

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