Back on the horse

This year I have not blogged at all.  At first it was because I wanted to get in shape, only having a small amount of time a day that I can set aside to do things that don’t involve the toddler, I chose to use the time that I would have been writing to leap about in my kitchen to a work out dvd.  It was going GREAT, I was losing pounds and my body was getting firmer.  I was beginning to feel a bit more like pre-baby me, more confident, more sexy…..so obviously I got pregnant again!

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This was marvelous, surprising and terrifying news.  After not wanting to be a boring blogger going on about how my legs were starting to look really good due to exercise, now I was worried about being one of those bloggers who never shuts up about babies and being pregnant.

And truthfully I was feel really worried about having another child.  After being told by doctors that I would never have a baby, when I found out that I was having my mini man it was too exciting.  He is also the best thing that I have ever done, I love him more than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my life before.

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I have been secretly frightened that there is no way that I could possibly love another child as much as I love him.  And how do you admit that to people?  That you don’t think your second child could even begin to compare to your first?   It made me feel like a complete dickhead.  So I just stayed quiet and have been contemplating my increasing waistline with increasing dread.

I have been trying to get the mini one to hang out with other small children so that he gets used to them, with less than encouraging results…..

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It has all be a bit of a worry really, if sharing a swing with his cousin is akin to torture, how would he react to a new mini person that needs to spend a good portion of the day strapped to my boobs?  (which is annoyingly still one of his preferred hang out spots…)

Is it fair to give him a sibling that everyone tells me he will want one day, but in the immediate future will probably upset his whole world?  When my parents brought my brother home from the hospital I went on a rampage and tried to eliminate him from the planet.  I have no memory of this, but I am told that I took my infant brother from his moses basket and shut him in a drawer, then pretended that I had no idea where he had gone.   I would pile teddy bears on top of him and say that he had vanished.   I apparently told my mum that I didn’t like her anymore and that she could go back to the hospital and take THAT back with her, that Daddy and I would be fine without her.

I did get over it in the end, now we have a great relationship and love each other very much, but three year old me was completely unimpressed with the entire event.  My small person will have just turned two, so will not be able to articulate horrible things to say to me and break my heart, he is like the hulk though and I am sure he could easily try and shove an infant into cupboards and drawers…….

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Last week I went to see the midwife, she put a Doppler on my tummy and I heard my baby’s heartbeat, it made me feel so happy.  Then a few days ago I felt my baby move.  It hasn’t stopped since, it is having a crazy party in there.  I couldn’t be happier.  I now can’t wait for the next three weeks to pass so we can go to our next scan and see if it is a pink or a blue one in there.

I have stopped worrying if I will love this baby, because I realised that I already do.  I had normal pregnancy pains a few days ago, the thought that something might be going wrong scared the crap out of me.  I knew in that instant how much I want this baby and that I was already in love with it.

I am obviously terrified of having to do child birth again, and I am worried that the new baby may not take to life with the quiet calm that my first one did, but I can’t wait to find out.

So rather than sit inside my own head, worrying about things that might happen, I thought I would take some time to put words down and get back on the blogging horse, I love writing, so you will all just have to hear about the things going on in my head again (when the toddler lets me…)

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