Time is running out

Today marks three months until I stop receiving maternity pay money from THE MAN.  It is an invisible ticking clock in the back of my head.  I am constantly counting down the weeks until I will be left with no option other than to go back to work. 

I could stay off until September but I can’t not have any money coming in, unless my family have all been secretly yearning to live in a cardboard box but just haven’t told me.  It would be a terrible plan, the dogs would eat our house everyday and the baby has LOADS of stuff, I think even one of those huge freezer boxes wouldn’t be big enough.

As time gets shorter I am becoming increasing more worried about it.  I seem to have a strange coping mechanism set up to deal with this stress.  I worry about it, I start looking at job websites in the hope that someone is advertising for a work from home job that pays very well, possibly in taking pictures of dogs or babies and uploading them to Facebook.

Then when this job or similar does not seem to exist my brain does something very interesting.

It switches off.

I just stop thinking about it.

A few days later my head suddenly shouts “HOLY CRAP!!!  YOU HAVEN’T GOT A PLAN!!!! YOU ARE DIRECTIONLESS AND WILL SOON BE VERY VERY POOR!” So I panic again, log onto websites that have thousands of jobs (none of which I want to do) and shortly find myself on you tube watching videos about how to have the perfect hair or how to make cakes in a cup in the microwave. (awesome by the way, I will try one soon)

I decided to write about it today.  As much as I don’t want to give up any of the space in my head to think about this, I MUST.  As much as I wish that I could be a stay at home mum and raise my child myself, we just can’t afford that as an option. I have to have a job.

So why don’t I like thinking about this? I have been charging around my head with a cerebral butterfly net attempting to catch the thoughts, slow them down and look at what is worrying me the most so that I can try and confront the problem.

The BIG reason, the main problem is that I don’t want to leave my tiny human with people I don’t know who might fill him up with germs, stupid ideas and terrible food.  And I don’t want to take advantage of people that I do know who have offered.  I have many friends who were assured by family members that they were happy to do child care, then when it actually started happening they didn’t like it after all.  They took the children to Mcdonalds and other forbidden places (pretty crafty revenge for ruining their retirement) or ill health came along which prevented them from fulfilling the deal.

The big problem has other facets though, although I worry what will happen with him when I am not there, that is the problem.  I am not there.  I want to be there, I want to be where he is, I don’t want to miss any of it.  I was told that I couldn’t have children.  I doubt that I will be able to magic another one up, this is most likely the only time that I will have a baby to bring up.

The secondary problem.  I have no idea what to do.  I have experience in retail, recruitment, bar work and support work.  All of these jobs are not very well paid and have long/antisocial hours.  I only want to work part time.  It would be the easiest to find a bar job, I would probably enjoy it the most.  However lovely boyfriend works in a pub.  When the little man should be in bed if we are both at work then he wont be able to be at home in bed.  Unless I can find a bargain baby sitter that doesn’t mind sitting in our house while he sleeps with three dogs (I would have loved that job, it turns out that it would cost me more an hour than any pub would ever pay me, so not really an option) Or I will be picking him up and moving him around in the middle of the night which is not the best for establishing good sleeping routines ( I am assured that he will sleep through the night soon, I am not jeopardising that for all of the money in the world)

Third problem.  Because of problem one and two I am having to slowly come to terms with the fact that I am probably going to have another job that I hate.  We have all had that job, where you try to think up fantastical reasons that you can’t go in, where you have pre booked you entire annual holiday on the first day of the new holiday year so that you can count the days down until you have a week off.

Fourth problem.  I am getting very negative about this whole thing.  I am finding it impossible to have a half full glass.  To suppose that I may stumble across the perfect role that will fit into my life and the people who have offered to help with the baby, is not something that I can do right now.

Problem five.  I am scared of telling my current employer that I don’t want to come back in case I can’t find another job that I like.  My current job has quite a few aspects that I don’t enjoy, the main ones are that most of the people that I work with don’t seem to like me.  Since I have been on maternity leave only two people have contacted me.  One of them has left the company and the other has gone part time where I would be working so I won’t get to work with them anyway.   I can’t handle the level of poo required of me to deal with. (actual poo, that comes out of people, grown up people, grown ups do MASSIVE poo)  It is a security blanket thing, I hate the blanket, I should throw it away, it smells, but I am not sure that I am ready to cope without it.

Now that I have lined up the issues, read them back to myself.  Did it help?

No, not really.

I am going to try something different.  I need to find a way to stop myself from refusing to deal with these issues.

I am going to look for a job that doesn’t involve poo.

Once I find one I will know when I will be working and I can find a childcare solution (that hopefully won’t take very penny that I earn and render the job pointless).

I can also then confront my current employer and be honest about the fact that I don’t want to come back.

I am going to stop focusing on how much I don’t want to be away from my child and think about the time that I will get to spend with him.

I am going to try and see this as an opportunity not a forced situation that I just have to go along with (hardest one because I currently REALLY don’t see this as an opportunity)

However if you could all start keeping your biggest boxes to one side in case I fail at my plan and need emergency housing I would appreciate it.

6 comments

  1. Aimee, I would pay good money to read your stuff! It’s such a pity there aren’t many salaried author jobs going as that would be perfect for you….. I’m sure something wonderful will happen before the maternity pays stops but just in case I’ll keep my eye out for a three bedroomed mansion type cardboard box. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Aimee, I feel your pain, I had such a similar dilemma when I was due to go back. Happy to Skype one day to see if we can come up with an evil genius plan between us…? xx

    Like

  3. Lovely – get your self to the tax credits website – if you and he are low earners then you may he entitled to child care costs – plus your employer is obligated to allow you to return part time if you have a baby under a certain age. I am free day times if you fancied a cup of tea and a chat. Xxx re child care – I can recommend an ace childminder though she’s is in Regent’s Park. (but she’s great!)

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s